Moving on is really hard when you are still in the situation and when you always think that you want to move on. But when you leave it and wait for the time when it becomes a memory, then I think before you knew it you’re smiling to the worst feeling you felt at that moment.

A friend of mine was almost two weeks in her crying moment. I feel bad for her because I know no words can take away her pain. Heartaches from a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship are normal and what she feels I think is normal. I’ve been through with that and maybe all the other human being who fell in love also.

It is like your heart is being crumpled deep inside and everytime you are alone all you can think was being with that person and then you just realized you start crying again. I think everybody felt this one. And I think my friend feel the same way too.

I do not know how to comfort her and let her understand that everything will just pass through. She is still in the stage of confusion and I think accepting also that it is the reality. All I can do is listen to her. Even though how much I gave her example how I move on, it doesn’t make sense at all. She believes in happy ending, that they will be together in the end. But there could be another ending and not all are like fairy tales.

While comforting her, I tried to reminisce what I actually did when I was in her situation. I could not even remember that I cried because I and my boyfriend broke up. All that I can remember was that the night before we broke up, we were texting and conversing to the point that I think we were arguing. Then I slept without saying goodnight and the next day I woke up like nothing happened but I knew we were over. Hahaha… very silly isn’t it? Yes, it is silly coz’ I ended up my almost 6-years relationship. I ended up by sleeping and not by saying “goodbye, we are over.”

Now, that I have a friend who shares the same feeling of what I have felt before and she’s asking me how I moved on. I told her, “I don’t know. All I can remember was that I felt like I was standing in the floor of pain for months/year and just like ordinary day, I felt normal. No more crumpled heart that makes my heart aching.”

I could never remember I cried for that break-up. All I can remember was that I was always spending my painful months going mountain climbing, trekking and anything outdoor activities. Good thing I did that. I met a lot of people and I find peace in my heart seeing the green horizon and the wide sky that calms my heart and mind.

Life itself is a moving on process like how I see the wide sky above; clouds are changing time to time. For me it signifies how time moves and how should life be enjoyed whether it is painful or happiness. 

I never think that I should move on instead I enjoy the feeling of being in that painful part and I just knew it that for awhile that I’ve been enjoying that pain, I was no longer feeling painful instead I become happy.  

As I entered to the school where in I would be working for 10 months, I noticed pupils and students wearing all white uniforms. Pupils were running in the corridor chasing after their teachers. Others were approaching their teachers for different reasons.

As I looked at them I remember my elementary years in my hometown. I was like them 10 years ago, wearing my white and green uniform with my black shoes. It was 10 years ago when I was running along the corridor and my teacher would scold me. All was 10 years ago but still it looks like fresh and I can still remember my elementary years.

It was 10 years ago when I met my teachers who taught me a lot. Attending to school for six years, five days a week for ten months every year, it was a routine for me.

It was all 10 years ago…

What was in 10 years ago?

10 years ago I met Ms. Ellen. I could not forget her because she was my first teacher when I was in Grade 1 and my adviser in Grade 5. I can still remember on the first day of my class, I hadn’t brought anything because my sister told me that first day was for orientation. But then, my first day was different from what she told me, Ms. Ellen asked us to bring out our pencil and paper. It was 10 years ago when I met Pinky who offered me her extra pencil and a piece of paper so that I could write my name at that time.

It was 10 years ago when I was grade 1 and Ms. Ellen used to reward us every time we got good scores during quizzes or exams. It was 10 years ago when Ms.Ellen used to wipe my dirty face because I always get untidy every after recess.

10 years ago I met Ms. Lulu. She became my grade-3 adviser and my last adviser in elementary years, my Grade six. What I could not forget about her was that she inspired me to learn how to play guitar. She would always bring her guitar when I was in grade 3.

It was 10 years ago when I used to tell my secrets about my crushes either to Ms. Ellen and Ms. Lulu. It was 10 years ago when I graduated from my elementary, I shook hands with them as I received my diploma as a sign that my elementary years were over.

The 10 years of reminiscing my memories with them made me smile. Especially when I went home, I can see them at the school where my mom teaches. I would call them like how I used to call them before “Ms. Ligtas and Ms. Caulin” even though they already changed their last names. 

It was all 10 years ago. Ms. Ellen and Ms. Lulu were in their early 20’s when they started to teach us and now they will be turning 38 maybe. They both have families already, kids that they can teach like how they taught us before.

Ms.Ellen with her family

It was 10 year ago…

And now…

They’ve changed their last names. They have children and family. They can see me now, very grown up, different when I was young. But still I haven’t forgotten about them.

Wedding for a member of a family is like building a bridge on the other side. You extend your family relationship with the in-laws. I find wedding exciting and festive. I can imagine white dresses or gowns, bouquets of flowers and a tower cakes.

So joyful and meaningful for the newly weds and for the members of the family.

My mother text me awhile ago that she attended a wedding ceremony. When I asked her who is getting married and she answered me that it was a highschool batchmate of my sister, the first thing that pop-up on my mind is my sister getting married.

Funny isn’t it? I should have thought of her friend’s wedding but I haven’t. Instead I was thinking of my sister. My sister is turning 31 this coming August. Last year, I was in the stage of always getting worried. I remember my brother and I was discussing about my sister planning to get married. After that conversation, I’m always worried. And everytime my sister and I chat, I always raised that question, about her plans of getting married.

The first reason I was worried, of course, I’m afraid that we will lose contact. Hahaha…

Although I know it’s impossible because of the technology nowadays. But what worry me most is that she will get married after we haven’t seen each other for five years. I was in a panic mode at that moment. I remember I was telling my sister that before she gets married we should spend one year together. Hahaha…

But when she went home August of 2008, everything turn out to be different. Even we spend a little time with my sister, I felt at peace. Hahaha… Maybe seeing her went home without somebody on her side made me at peace.

I don’t know if I’m selfish. I wanted my sister also to get married. I wanted to host her shower party and help her organize her wedding and mostly be her made of honor when she walks down the aisle.

Well, my brother is married and I haven’t prepared myself that he will get married. Maybe that’s one thing that makes me worry most. Coz’ I know priority changes when someone in the family decides to get married. Especially when one has a family, there are limitations already to the time that you will be spending.

But now my brother and I are spending time through exchanging conversations through emails. At least, I can know how he feels and how he thinks because we share stories. Unlike before, the communications is a bit difficult for us. Even he has a family already, now that we have constant communication, things have been different.

For my sister, I know she is just waiting for the right time. But sooner or later I know she will still end up walking in aisle. And whenever my sister decides to get married I won’t worry anymore. At least I have beautiful pictures with her during her vacation. Spending with her in green and peaceful place in Talakag, Bukidnon is one thing I can cherish. The longing is over. Its time to deal and face the reality already.

Reality check… reality check…

√         My brother is married.

√         My brother has a family.

√         My brother is working abroad.

√         My sister is working abroad.

My sister will get married soon.

My sister will have her family soon.

My mother is retiring soon.

    I will be getting married when I reached 30 also.

    I will have my own family also.

Some real life happening that I will be encountering soon….

There are things that I haven’t learned from the four corners of my classroom and the four years that I spend in my college life.

I’ve done part time jobs during college years and was able to work after college. So I was expecting to have a job which is somehow related to my work experiences but this time I got a job different from what I expected.

I have to learn everything from the basic without any supervision or training from anyone. Plus the fact that it was my first time to be in this kind of workplace. It’s a big adjustment for me but somehow I find it challenging.

When I signed my contract to my new employer, I felt like my feet are being tied up and there so many things that were running in my mind and mostly getting worried.
I felt tied up maybe because i am an outdoor person. I love hanging out with nature and engaging to sports. And now my only free time is Saturday and Sunday.  Second, there are so many things rushing in my mind because the fact that I don’t have working experience with my new work, only exposures during college day but that was long time ago. And thirdly, from the day I signed my contract till now and maybe until the first day of in my job, I am always worried. Hehehe…

But on the brighter side, well.. I’ve learned to understand and think outside the box. I ‘m thinking of what I can offer, what I can get, and how can I improve. I used to tell my friends or colleagues that I’m not comfortable with a routine job but this one is different. I’s routinary but I think I won’t be boring.

This is not anymore about books and scenarios that I read. This is the actual, the real thing.It’s like a book also but the words are hard to understand and the examples are getting complex as I turn the pages.
Good Luck to me…
I hope I can be able to read the complex words that the real world is writing on every page of reality.

Malaybalay, Bukidnon, a very good place to stay if you want to be close to nature. I usually pass by in Malaybalay during college years. It is almost 7 hours from General Santos City, where I came from. Malaybalay is a 5 hours drive from Davao City if you will take a bus and around 3 hours from Cagayan de Oro City if you will take a bus also.

Two weeks ago, I went to Malaybalay, Bukidnon to witness the Kaamulan Festival. Kaamulan, the yearly festival celebration of whole Bukidnon. This time it was a bit different from the previous Kaamulan that I attended. Since I already graduated from college and move back home. A bit far from Malaybalay compare when I was in Cagayan de Oro. This time, I was with my college friends, we planned to be in Malaybalay as a meeting place for us.  Reunited after one year the graduation.

The first person to arrived in Malaybalay was Raine. Raine was my best pal since first year college and the last time I saw her was during our graduation. I was a little bit excited. She was texting me from time to time, checking me where part of Bukidnon I am.

Same with our other two friends Kati and Fati, who were really excited also. It was I think the first time we will be together after college days. We were hoping that Netti was there but unfortunately she was not there.

At around 7:00 in the evening I arrived in Malaybalay terminal and 30 minutes after Kati and Fati arrived. First thing we did was to take a rest, eat and arrange our things.

On the following day, we started to roam around Malaybalay.

First stop: Checking souvenir shops. Checking for prices if it fits our budget. The first souvenir was our T-shirt printed with Kaamulan.

newly bought shirts... gisuot na dayon. hehehe... excited

Second stop: Picture taking with the ornamental plants that being displayed.

surrounded by greeny greeny thing! hehehe... plants ba!

Third stop: Kaamulan Ground — i don’t know if that’s what they really call it—

sa cottages in kaamulan ground!

wid kati and fati... mura ko og tour guide!

then at night we ate at Kamayan house.

dinner at real friends kamayan house

On the next day, our last day in Malaybalay, we went to Ate Apol’s house. thanks for the lunch ate Apol.

Raine need to go home early, she need to take the final exam. And I need to go home also because I have an appointment with the CEO.

And thanks for the thanksgiving!

well… i hope to see you again guys… hay! a sad fact that we are really far from each other! hope to see you soon again!

P.S thanks for the hitch ride… hehehe…

Reunion 2008 @ Springhill

It’s been five years since we step out from our highschool. There are lot of things that had changed since we went to college. We set our dreams when we were highschool but it turn out that college is a different world and a great equalizer for everyone. The gap became visible especially for those batchmates who chose to study away from our hometown.

Some of the dramatic changes during our college life were facing parenthood. Few of our batchmates were already parents while other faces different obstacles such as still continuing their studies. But despite of the changes, I am happy to say that I like dearly my highschool batchmates. Since we graduated from highschool there are few people who continually gather during summer, semestral and Christmas breaks. I’m one of those people who always attend to this kind of gathering. And I think it become helpful to us because we became closer with each other despite the distance we have. But really thanks to the technology nowadays, saying “hello” or checking your classmates was very easy. One text message away or just phone call, you can hear something about them.

It turns out that classmates or batchmates that I just greeted with “HI” or “Hello” became my closest friends. Last reunion, December 28, 2008, maybe my most memorable highschool reunion. There are new faces from the usual group who attended the said reunion. Others brought their baby, there were already parents and mostly, there are batchmates who graduated from college and able to get their licensure.

Seeing my batchmates evolve from a childish aspect to now of becoming a mature and responsible individual made me realize that we are now different from who we are from highschool. Each and everyone took responsibility for every action, from mistakes making it right for the future. Being responsible for not quitting despite of the harsh reality of this world. Each and everyone of us has aspiration and dreams to follow but only as part of life there are obstacles that will make us fall. But the best part is we learned to stand up and make things right again.

I remember my sister saying this “always remember you will not always stay at this stage.” It is in fact true; I will not be forever in this stage. There are no way but always UP according to her.

To my batchmates and to me, let’s make things right. Just one step at a time and we will surpass every obstacles we may meet.

So everyone, I’ll meet you at the finish line with a smile and no regrets.

There are times when things are unexplainable. Its like all that had happened and may happen should be accepted unconditionally. Time that you can give to someone or there are really events in life that you have choices but the choice must be done unconditionally. A feeling like that takes a great responsibility and I am taking mine now.

Lately, my sister and I are busy in arranging schedules for her vacation. Before then I was so excited because she will go home and I can see her after five years. But the weird thing is I don’t know how to talk with my sister in personal. For years, our means of communication is the internet and cellular phones and I don’t know how to approach her.  We spend a little time since I can remember because during her college years, she went to another place far from our place to study. I was in my elementary years then when she was in college, during my high school years she was away for work also.

Same with my brother when I was just in elementary he went to

Manila

But I never said they abandon us, they just left for a purpose, and that is to make our life better. It was I who felt being abandoned by my siblings. Growing up with no father at all, a brother who is away and no one can defend me at all with bullies, a sister who is away and there is no one I can tell secrets or share girly things about. It is only the two of us, me and my mom.

Lately, my sister is planning to go have a vacation and indeed I was excited. But just three days ago, my mother sends me a message that our “yeye” (kasam-bahay) had already leaved the house. I was so worried and I could not think of a best solution but to go home and stay with my mother. Life has been exciting here in

Manila

I can imagine that she is sleeping in her bed alone, waking up in the morning seeing nobody in the house but herself and go home with nobody awaits for her. All of these sink in my mind; I was in pain while thinking these things. So for days I have been thinking of what can I do. And the only thing that I can do is go home and be with my mom. This is the best solution I can think of.

This feeling made me decide to go home and then finally after how many years of thinking of who will look after my mom, I decided that I should take the obligation of taking care of my mom. My mother is 63 years old, strong, beautiful and still full of courage and determination. But still I think there should be someone who will look after her.

Since then I felt that it was a fate to grow old with my mom. Though my sister and brother did not oblige me to feel that and decide that way, I just think that it should be me. I realize that my siblings are no longer same as my age; sooner or later they will take separate lives from us. My brother has a family already and my sister is still single but still she will get married anytime soon.

It is only me that I can visualize to be really with my mom for a longer time. I am still young and have many chances and lots of time to enjoy. I want my sister to enjoy her life, a life that she wants. For my brother, I want her to focus on her family.

This is what I used to imagine before when I was young and I never thought this day would really come. How sad and ironic life has to offer me but I guess all these things made me stronger. Always waiting for another sunrise to come; excited of what will be there at the end but then I am afraid of when will be the end.

There are times when I feel that the entire spotlight is in me. Then
it’s like a captured videos running around me. I see myself back when I
was just a child. Memories with my siblings are all coming back then I
start to count those memories that are like videos revolving around me.
After counting the videos-like memory with my siblings I just bow my
head and sigh, I can only remember five.

The first one was that
I was with my brother; I was four or five years old then, we watched a
movie in the cinema. But we watched separate movies and after I watched
I waited outside the movie house. It took him so long so I decided to
take a walk, stroll within the mall, and ride an escalator all by
myself. When I went back to Dunkin Donut (just 15 steps from the movie
house), where I and my brother agreed that we would meet after the
movie; he was so angry when he saw me.
I was so afraid then because
he might scold me and he indeed because he was so worried. I was not
there standing or sitting waiting for him. So I just cried and my
brother gave me an ice cream and I stopped crying. Then we went home,
we rode a bus going to our town. When we finally reached the bus
terminal, my brother told me that we will not ride a tricycle going to
our house instead we would walk because he had no money anymore. I was
wearing my red jacket while we were walking. Then we reached Azucena
Street, three-blocks away from our street. My brother carried me; he
put me on his back and started walking. All I can remember was that we
were walking and then we reached the house; maybe I was sleeping then
when my brother carries me that time.

Second, it is like a video
rotating around me and just stops in front of me. It was so funny
because as far as I can remember my sister always made me cry. My
second memory was I think I was around four-year old also. My sister
was in-charge of me to help me in taking a bath. I remembered our CR
then was not yet finished. My brother and father were still
constructing it. My sister helped me that time, while taking a bath she
brushed my toe nails, finger nails, scrubbed my back and shampooed my
hair. After taking a bath we went to our room, my sister was trying to
figure out what dress I would wear although I would only be staying on
the house. She always told me, “Kai-kai, pag pajama ra aron dili ka
masamad (wear your pajama always to avoid scars).” Then I would get mad
at her because I want to wear short pants and she would also get mad
and I would start to cry. Then our father would go to our room and
scold us both. Then my sister would hug me because I was crying more
because our father scolded us. Ahmm… I could remember if I wore pajama
or shorts after that. all I could remember was that when my father was
scolding us, I was naked.

Third of video-like memory and the
funniest. When I was young my brother and my sister teased me “Budlat
Mata” meaning I had big eyes. That would always make me mad and they
would just laugh. Maybe because it was nice to see when a younger one
gets mad when you tease her/him. Anyways, I was five-years old at the
moment, we had this karaoke and my brother and sister always listened
to FM or cassette tapes of Bon Jovi, etc. It was I think Saturday, my
brother was there at the house and my sister was cleaning our house and
mama was in the backyard.
My brother called me he told me that I
should listen to the radio because a DJ will greet me. So young and
innocent, I was so excited because a DJ would greet me. Then here it
goes, the DJ was airing advertisements and greetings. Then the DJ said
“Hi to Cash Budlat Mata.” Cash is my nickname at our town, relatives
and friends used to call me that. I was so angry with the DJ and our
karaoke. I even told my mama about that and I asked my mama how did the
DJ knew the “Budlat Mata.” Only my brother and sister knew it. I was
really mad at that time, I even cried in front of my sister because of
that.
Then finally when years passed, I was already 10 years old and
my siblings went away to study and work. I was left alone with my
mother, then one day I was cleaning our house when I saw the Karaoke. I
thought the karaoke was not functioning but when I turn on the power I
can still hear music. Then at time I was angry again because I
remembered that DJ who greeted me “Budlat Mata.” But then I found out
that my brother was just making joke or fun. I found out that there was
a cassette player there and one function was to record voice or any
music. Then I remember we had a microphone that was the time I found
out that my brother recorded his voiced and put it in the player. He
played it when the DJ was about to end his greetings.
After that I
was laughing and I told my mama about that one. I could still hear
their voice laughing at me. so nice to hear even the sound of how I
cried during that day, I missed that. It was like I wanted to hug that
moment, catch it and put it in an empty bottle and sealed it.
So that I can watch it time to time. It was indeed a happy moment for me, we were all in our house.

Fourth
was so sad and I can’t even tried to hide that memory. It keeps
flashing back on me. It was when the day my father was called by Our
Creator, I was eight-years old then. All I could remember was we went
to a dentist at that morning, me, my papa and mama. My brother was
sleeping in the house when we went to the dentist. After we went to the
dentist we went home because my papa and mama would attend a meeting in
my school, that was Sunday 2pm to be exact. My papa forced me to come
with them but I refused because I can still feel the pain of my tooth.
After they left my brother wake up and eat his lunch. While he was
eating he was so angry with our puppy, Johnson, my papa’s favorite pet.
The puppy kept on barking and my brother was really getting angry. When
he was about to go outside and about to scold the puppy, a car stop by
in our house. It was my two aunts, they pick up my brother. They said
something to my brother and then my brother washed his hand and get
dressed. My brother told me, “mubalik ra ko. Diri lang ka. Ayaw og
hawa. Ayaw pasulod og tao na dli nimo kaila ha (I’ll be back. Just stay
here and don’t entertain strangers).”

I was so blind what was
really happening. Until my aunt pick me and brought me to the funeral
home where I saw my mama and she was already wearing the wrist watch of
my papa. When I saw the wrist watch in my mama’s hand I knew at that
time that my papa was called already. Then my mama hug me so tight and
I don’t know how I felt that time, it’s like I was looking for an
answer but my mama and kuya could not give me the answer. When the body
had already delivered in the house, I saw my brother crying so hard in
our room. He was exerting all his force at the wall and cabinets. I did
not cry for I don’t understand yet. It was like a puzzle, it was like
all that I saw were clues that were trying to help me answer the
question which I never though of. It just pop-up on my mind. Then when
my brother saw me watching him, he went to me and just hug me tight.

The
fifth one, I can’t remember the details but what I can remember was
that we were having a vacation after my father died. The four of us
went for a vacation, since I am the youngest, they always carry me. If
I would sleep in the bus, I would lye down on the lap of my mama, kuya
and ate while they are also sleeping but in a sitting position. I could
not remember the other details but what I like most is that we were
complete at that time. That was incredible because I think that was the
last time that we were together. I could not remember any memories
where we are all present.

My sister always tells me that
sometimes we need to compromise and sacrifice. Maybe what my sister is
telling me can be applied to science. The equivalent trade, the law of
conservation. When you want something there should always be in return.
My sister might not believe it but the sacrifices of my siblings and
mama have in return, we had a better life. Equivalent trade: my sister
has been a lot of sacrifices that is why she is now successful.
Equivalent trade: my brother tried his best to find work and all his
efforts are being equalized by the job he got. Equivalent trade: mama
has been strong to us and kind that is why she gained what she dreams
of, that all her children will be professional.

Sometime people
may have to do sacrifices in order to gain something that is the
equivalent trade. Human beings are composed of carbon, calcium, iron,
phosphorous and other elements that we get from the nature, equivalent
trade, when we die, we eventually end up buried in the soil. We will be
decomposed and again give nutrients to the plants that give nutrients
to the human beings. Equivalent trade is really be maybe the theories
of this? The memories are like implanted by our love ones. It is like
keeping as solid, like a matter, if the memories are gone it is like
human are in gaseous form already. Particles are away from each other
and it become invisible already.

_-so much hurt, so much pain, takes a while to regain what is lost. it is out of reach.-

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